Love One
Another. Sometimes it’s easier said than
done and something I have struggled with.
The person who cuts me off in traffic? No problem, we all have moments
of inattention. The rude clerk at the
checkout? We all have bad days when we’re
a little short with others. But when it
hits deeper, like a family member who habitually hurts and manipulates, or a mean
neighbor, or a close friend who betrays, or someone at church gossiping, it’s
all the more challenging to love the offender when sometimes it’s all you can
do to tolerate them.
Jesus makes
Himself pretty clear: “My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you”
(John 15:12), “Love one another deeply, from the heart” (1 Peter 1:22), “Be
devoted to one another in love” (Romans 12:10), “Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one
another” (John 13:34). Does this apply
only to our brothers and sisters in Christ?
The story of the Good Samarian (Luke 10:25-27) clearly shows that we
have this obligation to all of humanity. Yikes.
No wiggling out of this on a technicality!
So how do we do
this?
Sometimes
understanding where the perpetrator is coming from helps, and sometimes what
they do is just inexcusable. But what I
need to know is twofold: If I’m required to treat that person with Biblical
love, what exactly does that look like?
And if I’m to forgive them, what exactly does forgiveness require and
what has no part in it - do I need to excuse or understand someone’s abuse or
bad behavior, or continue to put up with it?
I did a deep
dive into Biblical love to get a better understanding of what it is and what it
isn’t. Part of the problem for me is
linguistics. The Bible addresses different types of love and the English
language doesn’t really do that. I use
the word love interchangeably for how I feel about my grandma, pizza, my
spouse, or a nice spring day, when clearly my feelings for each are quite different,
but each of these examples make my heart warm and fuzzy.
The Bible
addresses different types of love, though they may sometimes overlap:
Phileo – friendship,
brotherly affection, loyalty, mutual care.
Storge – family
love. Love for your children, your
grandma, etc. The love that holds us together as a family.
Eros – romantic
love
Agape:
selfless, sacrificial, the kind of love God shows to us and commands us to show
one another. It’s not necessarily mutual
and often impossible to pay back. And it doesn’t necessarily make your heart warm and fuzzy.
There is no way
I can use the English version of “love” toward someone who hurts and manipulates
others, but I can, and need to, use “agape” toward that person.
So what is
agape love? We chose to prioritize others’ well-being over our own. We show kindness, endure offenses without retaliation.
We forgive freely. We keep our tempers in check so that we are choosing to
react deliberately and not impulsively.
The Bible shows
what this looks like in action: the Good Samaritan reached across ethnic lines
and used his own resources to save the life of someone who was beaten and
robbed, though there’s a good chance that person would have hated him before
this. Ruth showed loyalty her to her
mother-in-law Naomi, although Naomi was described as “bitter” and probably not
that pleasant to be around. Boaz showed the same kind of agape love to Ruth, providing
her protection to glean safely, make sure she had meals, and being faithful in
his duty as kinsman redeemer. The father
of the Prodigal Son had no ill will toward his son, not just in a passive way,
but in an active way by running to him to welcome him. Jesus washed the feet of His disciples,
including Judas, the ultimate betrayer. This is what agape love looks like.
So what is
forgiveness? Is there any room for evening the score? No. Does it mean protecting the perpetrator from
the consequences of their bad behavior?
No. The Prodigal Son squandered
his inheritance and there’s no indication that his father restored any of
that. Jesus also did not protect Judas
from the consequences of his betrayal. It
is our job to chose to show agape love to those who hurt us and let God decide on
retaliation. Any punishment is between Him and them, and not our business. I love the sign outside our church that says,
“Love everyone. I’ll sort ‘em out
later --God”.
Sometimes the
consequence of abusive behavior is loss of fellowship, friendship and
trust. I’m still digging into this but
have a gut feeling that healthy boundaries have a place in this discussion as
long as they don’t cross the fine line into retaliation. In their book “Boundaries,” Christian authors
Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend argue that Christians *should* set
healthy boundaries with others, and these boundaries are “personal property
lines” that define responsibilities, limits and consequences, not an excuse to
unlovingly cut others off. In many ways,
when we limit access to our “personal property” (especially our very souls)
from those who don’t necessarily have our best interests in mind, we both
protect ourselves and the relationship.
So how do we
show agape love on a day-to-day basis?
Be slow to notice the
minor injustices – getting cut off in traffic, a rude salesperson, a family
member forgetting your birthday, a friend not repaying a loan. God sees it all
and will deal with it accordingly. That’s not our job, nor is it our job to
carry it around like heavy baggage all day. In the words of the immortal Elsa, “Let
It Go.”
In addition, notice
those who are overlooked and see them: A neighbor you haven’t seen outside for a
while, someone who stopped coming to Bible study, offering a ride to someone
who needs it, the multitude of needs at a food bank, listening to someone who
is hurting, making a deliberate attempt to reach across cultural or political
or social lines, support refugees attempting to start a new life with little or
nothing, share your skills, bake cookies for a neighbor, or encourage someone
else – who among us doesn’t need encouragement?
All in all,
showing agape love and forgiveness of others seems a little more do-able to me
looking at the Bible’s teachings on it and not my own assumptions.
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