So how do we do this?
Sometimes understanding where the perpetrator is coming from helps, and sometimes what they do is just inexcusable. But what I need to know is twofold: If I’m required to treat that person with Biblical love, what exactly does that look like? And if I’m to forgive them, what exactly does forgiveness require and what has no part in it - do I need to excuse or understand someone’s abuse or bad behavior, or continue to put up with it?
I did a deep dive into Biblical love to get a better understanding of what it is and what it isn’t. Part of the problem for me is linguistics. The Bible addresses different types of love and the English language doesn’t really do that. I use the word love interchangeably for how I feel about my grandma, pizza, my spouse, or a nice spring day, when clearly my feelings for each are quite different, but each of these examples make my heart warm and fuzzy.
The Bible addresses different types of love, though they may sometimes overlap:
Phileo – friendship,
brotherly affection, loyalty, mutual care.
Storge – family
love. Love for your children, your
grandma, etc. The love that holds us together as a family.
Eros – romantic
love
Agape:
selfless, sacrificial, the kind of love God shows to us and commands us to show
one another. It’s not necessarily mutual
and often impossible to pay back. And it doesn’t necessarily make your heart warm and fuzzy.
There is no way I can use the English version of “love” toward someone who hurts and manipulates others, but I can, and need to, use “agape” toward that person.
So what is agape love? We chose to prioritize others’ well-being over our own. We show kindness, endure offenses without retaliation. We forgive freely. We keep our tempers in check so that we are choosing to react deliberately and not impulsively.
The Bible shows what this looks like in action: the Good Samaritan reached across ethnic lines and used his own resources to save the life of someone who was beaten and robbed, though there’s a good chance that person would have hated him before this. Ruth showed loyalty her to her mother-in-law Naomi, although Naomi was described as “bitter” and probably not that pleasant to be around. Boaz showed the same kind of agape love to Ruth, providing her protection to glean safely, make sure she had meals, and being faithful in his duty as kinsman redeemer. The father of the Prodigal Son had no ill will toward his son, not just in a passive way, but in an active way by running to him to welcome him. Jesus washed the feet of His disciples, including Judas, the ultimate betrayer. This is what agape love looks like.
So what is forgiveness? Is there any room for evening the score? No. Does it mean protecting the perpetrator from the consequences of their bad behavior? No. The Prodigal Son squandered his inheritance and there’s no indication that his father restored any of that. Jesus also did not protect Judas from the consequences of his betrayal. It is our job to chose to show agape love to those who hurt us and let God decide on retaliation. Any punishment is between Him and them, and not our business. I love the sign outside our church that says, “Love everyone. I’ll sort ‘em out later --God”.
Sometimes the consequence of abusive behavior is loss of fellowship, friendship and trust. I’m still digging into this but have a gut feeling that healthy boundaries have a place in this discussion as long as they don’t cross the fine line into retaliation. In their book “Boundaries,” Christian authors Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend argue that Christians *should* set healthy boundaries with others, and these boundaries are “personal property lines” that define responsibilities, limits and consequences, not an excuse to unlovingly cut others off. In many ways, when we limit access to our “personal property” (especially our very souls) from those who don’t necessarily have our best interests in mind, we both protect ourselves and the relationship.
So how do we show agape love on a day-to-day basis?
In addition, notice those who are overlooked and see them: A neighbor you haven’t seen outside for a while, someone who stopped coming to Bible study, offering a ride to someone who needs it, the multitude of needs at a food bank, listening to someone who is hurting, making a deliberate attempt to reach across cultural or political or social lines, support refugees attempting to start a new life with little or nothing, share your skills, bake cookies for a neighbor, or encourage someone else – who among us doesn’t need encouragement?
All in all, showing agape love and forgiveness of others seems a little more do-able to me looking at the Bible’s teachings on it and not my own assumptions.
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